Are You Anxiously Attached? Signs of an Anxiously Attached Partner and What to Do About It

All this talk about ~ attachment styles ~, but what does it even mean? Maybe you took a quiz on some random website that labeled you as "anxiously attached" or "avoidant." Maybe you've just noticed that something feels off in your relationships—you struggle interpersonally, and it shows. But what does that attachment style really mean for you, and how does it show up in your life?

Let me start by saying this: it’s not your fault if you don’t have a secure attachment style. And honestly, who does? While secure attachment is the goal, the truth is that many of us fall somewhere on a spectrum, and our attachment styles can shift depending on the relationship. For instance, you might show anxious tendencies in your romantic partnership while being more avoidant with your parents as an adult.

So, how does this all happen?

It starts with your primary caregiver. As young children, we form attachment bonds with the people who raise us, usually our parents. If our needs are consistently met, we’re more likely to develop a secure attachment style. But if our primary caregiver was unpredictable—sometimes there for us, sometimes not—it can create anxiety in the child. This anxious longing for their caregiver’s presence and predictability can evolve into an anxious attachment style in adulthood.

On the flip side, if a child’s needs were ignored or dismissed, they may develop an avoidant attachment. Essentially, they learn it’s not safe to ask for their needs to be met, so they stop trying altogether.

There’s a ton of research on attachment theory, but it can still be hard to figure out your own attachment style and how it’s affecting your life and relationships. So, let’s break it down.

Here are some signs of an anxious attachment style and what you can do about them:

1. You Fear the Relationship Won’t Last

Ever have those moments where everything in your relationship seems to be going great, and then—bam!—you’re hit with a thought like, “What if this doesn’t work out?” Suddenly, you’re spiraling into a rabbit hole of doubt, questioning whether the connection is real, whether your partner will stick around, or whether they might leave you.

You might replay conversations in your head, trying to analyze every word or tone for hidden signs. Did they seem less affectionate today? Did they take longer to respond to my text? What if this is the beginning of the end? This fear of abandonment can take over, leaving you feeling anxious and emotionally on edge.

If this is you, you’re not alone. Anxious attachment often involves anticipating potential heartbreak before it happens. It’s a way of trying to protect yourself from pain.

Because you may have experienced unmet needs or unpredictability in the past, your brain now tries to predict the worst-case scenario—preparing for abandonment, even if there’s no real sign it’s coming.

What to Do About It:

First, pause and breathe.

When those thoughts creep in—“What if they leave me?”—ground yourself in the present moment. Ask yourself: What’s the evidence? Not assumptions or “gut feelings,” but actual, tangible signs that the relationship is ending.

For example, if your partner has been consistent, caring, and communicative, remind yourself of those truths. You might say to yourself, “I have no proof they’re pulling away. This fear is coming from my own past experiences, not from what’s happening in this relationship.”

Here’s another helpful mindset: It’s true that you’re scared of being left. It’s also true that your partner has shown up for you in meaningful ways. And it’s true that this fear might be tied to your past, where you felt like you couldn’t rely on people. All of these things can be true at the same time. Acknowledging this complexity can help you step out of the fear spiral.

Focus on what’s real and here, not on what might happen in some imagined future. When the fear of abandonment pops up, try redirecting your energy toward something grounding—whether that’s journaling about your feelings, spending quality time with your partner, or even just taking a moment to reflect on how far you’ve come in building trust.

Lastly, be kind to yourself! Fear of abandonment can run deep, and healing it takes time.

Remember, just because you’re afraid the relationship won’t last doesn’t mean it’s doomed. You are worthy of love and stability, and it’s okay to lean into that.

2. You Engage in "Checking" Behavior

Do you feel like you’re always monitoring the emotional temperature of your relationship? Maybe you’re hyper-aware of your partner’s mood, noticing even the smallest shifts. If they’re quiet, you wonder, “Are they upset with me?” If they’re extra affectionate, you think, “Okay, things must be good.” This constant “checking” often feels like survival—it’s your way of trying to stay ahead of any potential conflict or disconnection.

This behavior often starts in childhood.

If you grew up in an environment where your caregiver’s emotions dictated whether you were safe or not, you likely learned to adapt. For example, maybe when your caregiver was angry, you knew to stay quiet and out of the way. Or if they were happy, you felt safe enough to seek attention. These patterns can stick with you, leading you to constantly scan for clues about how the people you care about feel.

In adult relationships, this checking behavior can be mentally and emotionally exhausting. It can also create imbalance—your energy becomes so focused on your partner’s feelings that you might start neglecting your own.

Some people even label themselves as empaths because they’re highly attuned to their partner’s and people’s emotions. While this can feel like a gift, it often comes at the cost of tuning out your own emotional needs. You might find yourself thinking, “If I can just keep them happy, then I’ll be okay.” But that’s a lot of pressure to carry in a relationship—and it’s not sustainable.

What to Do About It:

Here’s a challenge: Try a small experiment in not checking. For example, if you notice your partner seems quiet, resist the urge to ask, “Are you okay? Did I do something wrong?” Instead, pause and turn inward. Ask yourself, “What am I feeling right now?”

This can be uncomfortable at first, but it’s a powerful way to reconnect with yourself. Checking behavior often stems from abandoning your own emotions to focus on someone else’s.

By shifting the focus back to yourself, you’re practicing self-connection—and over time, this can help reduce the need to constantly monitor your partner.

If this feels overwhelming, start small.

For instance, the next time you’re tempted to check in on your partner’s mood, try journaling about your feelings instead. Or go for a walk and focus on your surroundings. These little acts of self-care can help you break the cycle of over-attuning to your partner.

And remember: It’s okay to care about your partner’s emotions, but it’s not your job to manage them. Healthy relationships involve mutual support—and that includes creating space for your own feelings and needs.

3. You Constantly Seek Reassurance

We’ve all been there—sometimes you just need a little extra love or validation. Maybe you ask your partner, “Do you still love me?” or “Are we okay?” These questions are normal in moderation, but if you’re finding yourself asking them repeatedly, it could be a sign of anxious attachment.

Seeking reassurance often stems from a fear of the unknown.

If you’re anxiously attached, you might worry that any change in your partner’s behavior signals a deeper problem. Did they forget to say “I love you” today? Maybe they don’t feel the same anymore. Did they cancel plans? Maybe they’re pulling away. These thoughts can become a constant loop, driving you to ask for reassurance just to feel secure.

Sometimes, this reassurance-seeking turns into subtle "tests." You might think, “If they really love me, they’ll notice I’m upset without me saying anything.” Or, “If they cared, they’d make plans with me first.”

While these tests might feel protective, they can actually create frustration and misunderstanding in your relationship.

What to Do About It:

Start by asking yourself: What’s behind my need for reassurance right now? Did something specific happen that triggered this fear? Or am I feeling insecure because of something within me?

For example, if your partner seems distracted or busy, it’s easy to assume they’re upset with you. But instead of jumping to conclusions, pause and reflect: “Could they just be having a stressful day? Is this about them, or is it about my fear of being rejected?”

Once you’ve identified the root of your insecurity, focus on soothing yourself instead of seeking reassurance from your partner. Here are some ideas:

• Practice self-validation: Instead of asking your partner, “Are we okay?” try telling yourself, “I’m feeling anxious, but that doesn’t mean the relationship is in danger.”

• Engage in self-care: Do something that makes you feel grounded and secure, whether it’s taking a warm shower, going for a walk, or listening to your favorite music.

• Connect with others: If you’re feeling disconnected, reach out to a friend or family member for support. Sometimes, external validation from people you trust can help you feel less reliant on your partner for reassurance.

It’s also important to communicate your needs openly with your partner—without framing them as a test. For example, instead of saying, “If you really loved me, you’d do [this],” try expressing your feelings directly: “I’ve been feeling a little anxious today. Can we spend some time together later?”

Remember that reassurance-seeking is often tied to deeper fears of abandonment or rejection. These fears don’t define you, but they do offer insight into areas where you can grow.

By practicing self-soothing and focusing on your own emotional needs, you can build a stronger foundation of security—both for yourself and for your relationship.

Final Thoughts

If you struggle with anxious attachment or anxiety in your relationships, remember that you’re not alone—and healing is possible. Practice the strategies above, and focus on building a secure relationship with yourself.

And if things still feel rocky, consider working with a couples therapist who understands attachment styles and will help you and your partner learn how to securely attach. Emily Jurich, LMFT-Associate is trained in emotion focused couples therapy where she helps partners create a deeper connection and attune to eachother’s attachment needs. If this sounds like something you would like to learn more about feerl free to schedule a free consultation!

Sometimes, having a neutral third party can help both you and your partner feel seen, heard, and understood.

You deserve a secure and fulfilling relationship—both with your partner and with yourself.

Keep going. You got this!